An open entry to a girl I love

I don’t usually write like this but I couldn’t help myself.

I remember you from class. A wonderful girl who opened herself to me and never anyone else before and perhaps never after. Someone who didn’t seem helpless nor a whore. A reserved girl who actually wore clothes instead of slutwear. Someone I could be with, but someone I didn’t understand. You always had a guy around, I thought I knew to stay off. I was never sure. I hung out with you, met your parents, tried to know you but I always felt so distant.

The desire was there but the spark to light this inferno was not. I could never understand my emotions. We graduated school, I went to being a total shut in and you disappeared from my life. I went off to school and you went to California. I learned but always felt lost. I longed and you seemed long gone.

How long and wrong I was.

Forced into things you didn’t want to do. Met with some guys who weren’t like me. Raped by one I thought to be my best friend. Impregnated without the desire to have a child. Moved around by circumstance. All while I sat from the sidelines wondering about girls I would never have.

In the end I was just too much of a coward. Too afraid of my own feelings. Too afraid of confronting anyone. Too hateful to forgive myself, but now I just live with the memory of saying three words could have changed your life and saved you from all this.

“I love you…”

Dire hatred,

Zero Serra Serenity – Shut-in geek

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